The Great American Oldtime Classic Mountain Dew Taste Test Drink Off Extravaganza

I've done something crazy.  You can thank me later.  I have taste tested all of the Mountain Dew varieties available currently in my region.  No, I'm not peeing blood yet, but I haven't had a good night's sleep for a couple weeks.  I can't handle caffeine like I could in my younger days ...  On to the show!

Mountain Dew Original - The classic.  The green bottle but suspiciously yellow soda concoction that has fueled nerds for the last few decades.  Full of caffeine and sugar and phony citrus flavors.  It is the benchmark.  Not the best Mountain Dew flavor, but certainly not the worst.  Sometimes you just have a hankering for liquid diabetes, so you reach for a Dew.  8/10

Mountain Dew Voltage - The winner of the first "Dewmocracy" contest where fans voted between three new flavors to decide which one would be a permanent flavor.  Voltage is a blue colored drink " ... charged with raspberry, citrus flavor, and ginsing".  The taste is like liquid cotton candy.  Now, you'd think liquid cotton candy would be awesome, but, no, no it isn't.  It is too sweet to the point of being unpleasant.  4/10

Mountain Dew Typhoon - One of the three entries in the 2010 "Dewmocracy" thing, Typhoon is basically fizzy tropical punch.  It tastes like bland Code Red.  I was hoping it would be like Game Fuel, but it is missing something (probably the "Amp") that made Game Fuel really good.  I like it better than Voltage, so I guess the new Dewmocracy is off to a good start.  5/10

Mountain Dew Distortion - Distortion is another 2010 "Dewmocracy" entry.  Its tagline is "Lime Blasted Dew".  This is pretty much like normal Dew.  It is a bit greener in color, but tastes very, very similar to traditional Dew.  It only really distinguishes itself from the standard by having a very distinct lime finish.  In all honesty, it tastes like the messy results of a torrid love affair between Mountain Dew and Sprite.  I kinda like it.  7/10.

Mountain Dew White Out - The third 2010 "Dewmocracy" entry.  White Out has the tagline "Smooth Citrus".  Isn't every variety of Mountain Dew essentially smooth citrus?  White Out has the unfortunate burden of being milky white in color.  Kind of like you're drinking whale semen, or something.  It tastes a lot like regular Dew just, you know, white.  It isn't really very memorable either way, to be honest.  Mediocre.  6/10

Mountain Dew Live Wire - Live Wire is an orange flavored variety of Mountain Dew.  It is kind of hard to describe since it doesn't taste like normal Dew but it also doesn't taste much like a normal orange soda.  It is like bland orange soda.  It doesn't have any real high points.  Just sort of understated orange-y-ness.  It is noteworthy in that it doesn't have a trademark Dew aftertaste that lingers for a few seconds.  You swallow it and the taste is just immediately gone.  Mediocre.  6/10

Mountain Dew Code Red - Code Red, or as I like to call it, "The Best Mountain Dew".  It is essentially cherry flavoring mixed with normal Mountain Dew.  But it is awesome.  Cherry just makes things better.  Cherry 7Up, Cherry Pepsi - both better than normal 7Up or Pepsi.  Code Red is also somehow not as over the top sweet as normal Dew, so the cherry flavor comes through nice and clean.  My favorite.  9/10.

Mountain Dew Game Fuel - Game Fuel has been around in a few forms.  First as a red drink with Halo 3 branding.  Then in blue and red varieties with World of Warcraft branding.  I only have experience with the red kind.  And it was awesome.  It tasted like Code Red mixed with Amp (Mountain Dew's energy drink brand) and was delicious.  It was only a limited time product, however, and isn't available anymore unless someone has a case buried in their basement or something (call me!).  It likely will come back in the future, and when it does we'll stock up.  9/10

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And there you have it!  We've tasted them all!  Code Red is the best.  Live Wire kind of sucks.  The "Dewmocracy" entries all kind of suck.  Original is good.  Game Fuel is godly.   All Mountain Dew varieties earn 5 confused Andy Rooney heads, because he doesn't understand this new fangled soda pop stuff and the bubbles burn his tongue.